I'm still reflecting on the whole "angry with God" thing I mentioned a couple of posts ago, and I can't get over how profound it was for me. I tend to be such a "God is awesome!" person, all smiles when it comes to Jesus. Had I not gone through that, I would've missed out on something crucial to the development of my relationship with Him.
In that time, I saw what it was like to feel at odds with God, to lay out my questions for Him like Job did, knowing all along that He would be able to come back at me with things like, "Who commands the morning?... Who carves a channel for the lightning bolt?" (Job 38) I fought with Him, I struggled. And in that, I saw the hearts of some of my friends... people who live in that place instead of just renting a room there, like I did. Their struggles prompt a depth in me that I wouldn't have otherwise, because it shows me a different aspect of what a relationship with God can look like. It's not all sunlight on oceans... sometimes it is walking in the dark with barely enough light for your feet and you're squinting and cold and tired. (Psalm 119:105) But it is all still God, and it is all still His Love.
More than anything, I think my frustration with God helped me to understand a little more about the depth of His commitment to me. If I knew anything, it was that He would not leave me. He couldn't. If someone was going to leave, it would've been me... but not even that was possible. I am sewn into Him. Inextricably. This is commitment. Through joy and anger, ups and downs, I am my Beloved's and He is mine.
I want to go back to the thing I said earlier about light. "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path." The foot-lamp referred to provided only enough light for the next step... it didn't illuminate the whole path. That kind of light can be frustrating when I want to see the end of the journey, but ultimately, it keeps me near Him. I keep having to ask, "What now, God? Where do You want me to step now? How can I please You in this situation?" And He, in His love and mercy, keeps answering.
Blessed be the name of the Lord, my Lover, my Husband, my Lamp.
P.S. I really want to say "I love Lamp" here... just go with it. :)