I met Jesus when I was four years old. It is my second memory. I don’t have a clue what life is like without Him, because He has been with me for as long as I can remember. The most intimate relationship in my life is (and always will be) with Him.
But recently, I experienced a new thing in my relationship with Him: deep, true anger. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’m not an angry person in general—I don’t yell or have emotional outbursts—and I can only recall maybe one other time when I felt resentment toward God. The worst and most dangerous thing I could imagine would be to give God the silent treatment, so I told Him my thoughts. I wrote four pages in my journal… questions, accusations, fears. I knew He wouldn’t be threatened by my words. He knows them all; they don’t surprise Him.
Even as I tore across the pages with my pen, I knew that God stood by, loving me. I knew that He understood more about my situation than I did. And I knew my anger was rooted in selfishness – the kind of thing that says, “I have a better idea than You. You aren’t listening. You owe me more than this.” My feelings proved to me that I didn’t trust God to be God… I thought I could do a better job. My anger was—at its root—sin.
It hurt me not to trust Him. It scared me to be angry with Him – not so much because I feared His wrath (Jesus bore that for me on the cross), but because I do not even know how to breathe without Him. Being upset with Him felt like a crack in the surface of the universe… I couldn’t bear the distance I was choosing to put between us. I became aware of my great need for more faith in Him. I prayed, “Lord, I believe… help my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)
In His love, He rescued me from my own anger. As I hurled my fists at Him, He embraced me. And in case you’re in a place of being angry with God (or even doubting His existence), here are two significant things that helped me work through things:
The Shack – a controversial book with a few theological flaws, but that ultimately served to remind me of the relationship I have with God. If you have doubts (even if you’re not a Christian), this is a phenomenal read.
This sermon by Perry Noble – I will probably think about this sermon for the rest of my life. I’m not kidding. Watch it or listen to it.
I don't know if or when I'll be angry with Him again, but I'm grateful that He walked me through it. And I can even appreciate that the experience might allow me to understand what some of you are dealing with. So, tell me your story... what has it been like for you when you've been angry with God? How did you handle it? What was the result?