Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Plight of the Single Man - Part 1

Men, this might be revolutionary for you. This week, I had three conversations with guy friends who were struggling to find the right woman. They wanted to know why I didn’t address that in my recent week of blogging. And well, I kind of did (although it was directed toward women, I think it fits both sexes). But in the meantime, an even more interesting answer has presented itself. Stay with me…

Not long ago I read a really embarrassing book because a friend begged me to. I’ve read tons of relationship books, but this book taught me entirely new things. Some of this might seem archaic to you. If it does, read the book. Dr. John Gray makes better sense of it than I can.

One of the main things of note: A man derives his deepest satisfaction and fulfillment in a relationship by giving to a woman. A woman derives her greatest joy from receiving. The way this plays out over the course of a relationship is multi-tiered. But here’s the way I think it applies specifically to “finding the right woman.”

“When a man focuses on what he wants, he is sure to miss the woman for him. When he focuses on the question, ‘Am I the right man for her?’ then he will find clarity…” (Dr. John Gray)

Since men are happiest when they give, they’re missing the point by trying to figure out what they want to get. The better question to ask is, “What do I have to offer? And what kind of woman would be the best recipient of that?” Because when a man offers those things to a woman, he will find his greatest pleasure in being what she needs.

(I'll post the 2nd half tomorrow. And yes, this is a re-post... I had two friends tell me that they felt it was "too long" the first time.)

3 comments:

Jud said...

I don't think I've heard this idea before; it's probably the most dead-on accurate thing you've written about these past few weeks.

Daniel said...

(re-posted from previous blog entry)

If only I could have received this counsel 15-20 years ago, it might have saved me a lot of "learning the hard way". I am still dealing with consequences of naïve and self serving decisions of the past.

All is used for our salvation. Glory to God!

While I have lived out the negative aspects of this counsel, I am now being blessed to live out the positive aspects as well. Perhaps, as thickheaded as I can be, it is only through the failures that I have been humbled enough to be able to see things a little more clearly-as they really are.

I am a very intense person. This is part of my personality. Sometimes this intensity can lead to selfish tantrums (though most don't see these because they are going on mostly in my head). But when I am able to separate intensity from pride, it is clearly a gift.

That being said, intensity scares many people. In our distracted culture, it can be difficult to find a person strong enough to face themselves alone in silence-strong enough to see what things are buried deep down in their own hearts. If some attempt isn't made at doing this with ourselves, how can we expect to reach any level of intimacy with another.

I understand that not everbody is a "contemplative" or "artistic" personality type. But, I am.

It has been difficult to find somebody able and willing to accept what I have to offer. This doesn't mean that what I have to offer is better than what anyone else has to offer. But, it is what I have to offer.

This has been the biggest difference in my new relationship. She's not scared off by my intensity, and she doesn't just tolerate or ignore what I so desparately want to offer. She willingly receives with a thankful heart. The fact that she independently identified what I see as my Gifts, the fact that she openly supports and encourages these Gifts, the fact that she gets excited by seeing me exercise these Gifts...this has given me a great sense of satisfaction and motivation. I have never experienced anything like this before.

Hope I didn't get off on too much of a tangent. Just wanted to say thanks and share a little bit of my own experience.

Bastyr said...

Good stuff, Taracus

Bastyr