Men, this might be revolutionary for you. This week, I had three conversations with guy friends who were struggling to find the right woman. They wanted to know why I didn’t address that in my recent week of blogging. And well, I kind of did (although it was directed toward women, I think it fits both sexes). But in the meantime, an even more interesting answer has presented itself. Stay with me…
Not long ago I read a really embarrassing book because a friend begged me to. I’ve read tons of relationship books, but this book taught me entirely new things. Some of this might seem archaic to you. If it does, read the book. Dr. John Gray makes better sense of it than I can.
One of the main things of note: A man derives his deepest satisfaction and fulfillment in a relationship by giving to a woman. A woman derives her greatest joy from receiving. The way this plays out over the course of a relationship is multi-tiered. But here’s the way I think it applies specifically to “finding the right woman.”
“When a man focuses on what he wants, he is sure to miss the woman for him. When he focuses on the question, ‘Am I the right man for her?’ then he will find clarity…” (Dr. John Gray)
Since men are happiest when they give, they’re missing the point by trying to figure out what they want to get. The better question to ask is, “What do I have to offer? And what kind of woman would be the best recipient of that?” Because when a man offers those things to a woman, he will find his greatest pleasure in being what she needs.
- Aiming too low. When a man is afraid he won’t be able to fulfill a woman, or when he's lazy, or when he wants to "rescue" someone, he “marries down” (intellectually, spiritually, etc.) to ensure he’ll always be enough.
- Looking for your exact opposite. While some opposites complement, others detract. Just because you can offer financial prowess doesn’t mean it’s wise to marry someone who can’t even balance her checkbook.
The best thing to do is to look for someone who needs nearly the exact measure of what you have to offer. If you’re a man of intellectual depth, it’s not going to serve you well to marry a dense woman. You may be able to meet her intellectual needs, but eventually you will feel that your gifts are being wasted, and you won’t find the satisfaction of using your gifts. You will become bored, because she won’t be able to stimulate you in that area. But marrying a woman who is your intellectual equal will serve as a continual source of fulfillment. And it will challenge you to greater heights.
If you possess spiritual insight, there are women out there who are praying for men who can challenge them in that area. They long for a man who is strong enough to lead them. You will find greater fulfillment in that area than in marrying a woman who isn’t your equal.
In short: think of what you have to offer and look for the kind of woman who needs it in the measure that you possess it. Being appreciated and respected for what you have to offer will be far more fulfilling and stimulating than trying to figure out what you want.
Thoughts? Criticisms? Hit me up in the comments.